Crossing Over

I was just thinking about you, wondering if you wear that same cologne. Smelled good, on you..

George. Three days ago I drafted an entire blog about the subject, but it doesn't make much sense looking back on it. I think it boils down to him being perfect, and me being much less than that. I still need time to grow, explore and wonder. I feel like I'm about to say the same shit that I said in a blog months ago, so I won't. I just wish he'd sit still for three years or so.

Happy nine months to me! I think I've just about gotten to the point where I am comfortable and confident in extending my celibacy indefinitely. Honestly, my desire for sex has little to do with the actual nature of sex, and more to do with a need for someone to appreciate my body at least as much as I do. But thinking about it, I've never been the girl to act on impulse and short-sighted wants, and I don't intend to become her. Ever. Besides, if I can consider a decision that I actually thought about and decided with sound mind and body a mistake, chances are a hormonal roll in the sack will be one, too. And like Stennett said, second place still wins a medal; it's still special, it's still memorable, it's almost as important. I want it to be with someone who knows in his heart he should've been first, not with the dude walking the track, cool with coming in second, as long as he comes in.

Once again I am in this place where I'm trying to decide what I want to do with my hair. Stay natural or press/relax it. Continue to grow it out, or get a short cut. I think it's a battle between spirituality and fashion. I really want to be true to myself and continue to grow it out naturally in hopes of wearing it that way next year. But on the other hand, I really want the fashion-forward edge of the sharp asymmetrical short cut. I know what I should do, and what's right to do, but.. I'm only 18, and sometimes the right thing is hard to do.

Considering the fact that I pretty much never went to neither GeoSci 103 nor 109, and the fact that my study time was cut in half by the CTools problem, it's pretty unacceptable that I got a B and A+, respectively, in the classes in which the final exam was 100% of my grade. God, I appreciate You for having my back, but.. please.. punish me for fucking up so I'll stop!

My mom's foster mom might come live with us for the remainder of her life. Frankly, I'm uncomfortable with it. For one thing, it would mean that my parents will be completely displaced out of their room into the living room, which is unfair to them. Secondly, and honestly, I feel like it's unfair to me. Her living with us inevitably means me taking care of her, and I don't want to do that. I could deal with the occasional visits, and grocery shopping for her, things of that nature. But having to see her all the time.. It would just be hard for me, really hard for me, and I want my summer to be a good one, I don't want to fall back into that place. It's such a deep hole to climb out of, and my ladder gets just a little shorter each time I have to use it.