Today my thirteen year old brother called me and told me that some kid at school was making his life a living hell. Constantly talking about him, writing things about him in the bathrooms and on the playground. He told me he didn't want to fight because he didn't want to get suspended and disappoint us. He told me he was frustrated with the way things are at home. He told me he wanted to kill himself.
I can't remember the last time my heart hurt in that way.
I've fought hard to protect my brothers from the things I had to endure. All those times at my grandmother's house when I'd hide them in the basement, (because of her bad leg, she can't climb up or down stairs), so they wouldn't have to experience with her what I did. Or how I'd make up games to distract them when my parents were arguing, or come up with good excuses for my dad's behavior when he'd came home drunk. I've had my brothers convinced that Santa exists, long past when most kids learn the tragic truth, and I remember cashing in my life savings this past Christmas to give them a reason to still believe.
When we were younger, we put a chair on skates, attached it to a rope that we tied to opposite walls in the basement and pushed each other for hours; we called it the Rocket Chair. When we were hungry, we'd make cinnamon toast, and during the summer we'd play Tekken for hours on end. We used to love taking rides to the gas station in my daddy's big white truck while listening to The Parliament. When my brothers got in trouble, I'd always defend them. When I'd cry at night, they were the only ones to notice, and hug me.
We argue, and sometimes we can't stand being around each other, but at the end of the day, my brothers are my heart. It hurt to know that he felt that level of pain. I felt like I failed him. All the hurt and pain I tried to protect him from, everything I tried to do to make his life as normal as possible, I felt like it meant nothing. Like this little fuck of a child came and ripped away all the smoke and mirrors, and pushed my brother into an emotional pit he was never supposed to know was there.
I could fucking kill him.
I can't remember the last time my heart hurt in that way.
I've fought hard to protect my brothers from the things I had to endure. All those times at my grandmother's house when I'd hide them in the basement, (because of her bad leg, she can't climb up or down stairs), so they wouldn't have to experience with her what I did. Or how I'd make up games to distract them when my parents were arguing, or come up with good excuses for my dad's behavior when he'd came home drunk. I've had my brothers convinced that Santa exists, long past when most kids learn the tragic truth, and I remember cashing in my life savings this past Christmas to give them a reason to still believe.
When we were younger, we put a chair on skates, attached it to a rope that we tied to opposite walls in the basement and pushed each other for hours; we called it the Rocket Chair. When we were hungry, we'd make cinnamon toast, and during the summer we'd play Tekken for hours on end. We used to love taking rides to the gas station in my daddy's big white truck while listening to The Parliament. When my brothers got in trouble, I'd always defend them. When I'd cry at night, they were the only ones to notice, and hug me.
We argue, and sometimes we can't stand being around each other, but at the end of the day, my brothers are my heart. It hurt to know that he felt that level of pain. I felt like I failed him. All the hurt and pain I tried to protect him from, everything I tried to do to make his life as normal as possible, I felt like it meant nothing. Like this little fuck of a child came and ripped away all the smoke and mirrors, and pushed my brother into an emotional pit he was never supposed to know was there.
I could fucking kill him.
damn conz. check it tho, i am sure that when little kids say they wanna kill themselves vs. like, an 18 year old saying it, the shit they are going thru is probably different. you know what i mean. like, yeah, some fuck at school being a cunt sucks, but its not, for example, getting stabbed in the leg. I am sure you have greatly improved shit for him and he was being over-dramatic. he'll be cool man.
ReplyDeletenever again........
ReplyDeleteI know what you're saying, but I think there's more going on with him than just the bully thing. IDK, I'm just really concerned, I guess, but I know he'll be ok.
ReplyDeleteI love you times a million, btw. (: